I used to think that if I felt something strongly, I needed to do something about it immediately. Sometimes, I find myself still feelings this way at times. I also want to point out that I don’t mean in the sense of “things to do” but in the sense of feelings feelings.
If I was hurt, I needed to explain why. If I was angry, I needed to address it. If someone misunderstood me, I needed to correct them. If something felt unfair, I needed to defend myself.
And if my anxiety was telling me that something was wrong, I felt like I needed to figure out exactly what it was before I could move on with my day. I’m slowly learning that I don’t. Not every feeling requires an immediate reaction. Sometimes I can just…feel it.
That sounds ridiculously simple when I write it out, but for someone who has spent a lot of her life feeling like she needs to fix things, explain herself, defend herself, or prepare for what might happen next, it’s actually been a pretty difficult lesson because feelings are real, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the story my brain attaches to them is true.
I can feel anxious without something being wrong.
I can feel hurt without needing to send the text.
I can feel angry without confronting someone in that exact moment.
I can feel misunderstood without writing a paragraph explaining myself.
I can be disappointed in someone without immediately deciding what that means for our entire relationship.
And maybe most importantly, I can give myself time to figure out what I’m actually feeling before I decide what I want to do with it.
There is so much power in that space between feeling and reacting and I genuinely think a lot of us underestimate it. When emotions are high, everything feels urgent. Your brain tells you that you need to handle it right now. You replay the conversation. You start creating responses in your head. You think of all the things you should have said. You imagine the next conversation before it has even happened, and suddenly, one uncomfortable moment has taken over your entire day.
I’ve done that more times than I could ever count. But I’ve also noticed something: when I give myself a little time, the thing that felt absolutely enormous in the moment often looks completely different a few hours later.
Sometimes I still need to address it.
Sometimes I realize I misunderstood something.
Sometimes I realize that I was reacting to an old wound more than the situation in front of me.
Sometimes I decide that it bothered me, but it isn’t worth giving any more of my energy to.
And sometimes I realize that silence isn't me being weak.
It's me deciding that I don't have to participate in everything that tries to disturb my peace. That has probably been one of the biggest changes in me over the last few years. I used to feel this overwhelming need to be understood. I wanted people to know my intentions. I wanted to correct assumptions. I wanted to explain my side. I wanted to make sure people had the whole story before they formed an opinion about me.
Now? I'm realizing that I could spend my entire life explaining myself to people who are committed to misunderstanding me, and I would still never feel understood.
That's exhausting, and surely I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be able to sit with uncomfortable emotions without immediately handing them the steering wheel. That doesn't mean suppressing them. It doesn't mean pretending things don't hurt. It doesn't mean avoiding difficult conversations or allowing people to cross boundaries. It just means giving myself enough time to decide what deserves a response and what doesn't.
Because there is a difference between reacting and responding.
Reaction happens in the heat of the feeling.
Response happens after I've had enough time to ask myself:
What am I actually upset about?
Is this something that needs to be addressed?
Am I trying to solve a problem, or am I trying to make this uncomfortable feeling disappear?
Will responding give me peace, or am I about to make myself even more anxious?
I'm definitely not perfect at this. There are still moments when my emotions get ahead of me. There are still times when I type something out and have to delete it. There are still conversations I replay in my head far longer than they deserve. But I'm learning.
I'm learning that I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
I don't have to explain every boundary.
I don't have to correct every wrong assumption.
I don't have to make a decision while I'm angry.
And I don't have to solve every uncomfortable feeling the moment it shows up. Sometimes the healthiest thing I can do is give myself a minute.
Feel it.
Understand it.
Let the intensity settle.
And then decide whether it actually needs something from me, because not every emotion is an emergency. Sometimes it's simply a feeling passing through.
And I'm learning that I can let it pass without following it everywhere it tries to take me.
